If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved