[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.