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*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition: