Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Cool shirt 🙂
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.