[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
No laws when master is gone
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM