Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
The answer is funnier than the question
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs