Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
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20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these