Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese