I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
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Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.