I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You Might Also Like
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I hope it’s French Onion!
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.