I have never heard an armadillo before.
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
*me flirting
Mad Max Arctic Road
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property