Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”