pep talk
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.