ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.