Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!