Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”