[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
You Might Also Like
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.