[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.