Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
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4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.