Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
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If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.