Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
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Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.