Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I think the cat got the dog high.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing