So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Donkey Kong sommelier
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down