In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat