tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo