me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Hard not to take this personally
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.