There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
You Might Also Like
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
They’re called werewolves.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I want what they have
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)