Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
You Might Also Like
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.