INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
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Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.