showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim