the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.