Yep.
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*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
DOOO EEEET
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”