Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat