If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
That’s it.I’m out.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Safety first