i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
best review i’ve ever seen
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.