This week’s mood.
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
this has to be peak English
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
you gotta be faster
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!