so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]