“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.