superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Lmaoo 😂
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.