Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am