If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich