We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.