Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
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Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: