Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.