The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
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GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Today’s Times
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.