Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.