How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”