Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”