I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Britain be like