Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Previously On Persistence 😎
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
lmao
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact